How To Open A Can Of Tuna (Or One Of The Reasons I Became A Vegetarian)

How to Open a Can of Tuna
Quietly as you can, assemble the necessary things, the can opener, Band-Aids, canned tuna and bowl. Cough loudly, sing nonsense, and make a LOT of noise to cover up the fact that you have tuna ... oops, that didn’t work, let’s go to attempt #2.

Attempt #2
Go into the bathroom with the can opener, bowl, tuna, fork and whatever else you want in the tuna. Open the tuna, making rude noises at the cats outside the door, and feeling vastly intellectually superior to the mere felines. Scream in horror and agony as the cat that was hiding in the linen closet comes out and lands on your back, removing skin, muscle tissue and the can of tuna.

Attempt #3
Take can of tuna, can opener, bowl, fork, and whatever else outside. Shut the door. Make assorted obscene gestures at the cats as you open the tuna, put it into the bowl, mix and eat. Return to the house and smirk. Go into the bedroom to discover little presents from the cats adorning your pillow...and blanket...sheets...shoes...closed dresser drawers...

Attempt #4
Open 15 cans of tuna, tossing them to the cats as fast as you can open them. Open number 16 and try to eat as much as you can shovel in your mouth before they go down the hatch after it. Gag as you realize you mistakenly opened a can of Ye Yummy Kitty Foode. Go to the bathroom and scrub your tongue doing the "Yuk, ick, bleah, nasty" dance. Follow with a gargle with half a bottle of mouthwash.

Attempt #5
Make a peanut butter sandwich.

Final note: You may assume this all is fiction, just a joke about living with an assorted dozen or two (and at one time darn near four dozen) dumped, abandoned cats. It isn't. I wish it was. There are a couple of medical health workers I know who honestly believe I cut myself for some really odd reason to make myself feel better. HA HA HA and again, HA. Let them come here at feeding time. I've seen wild tigers and lions with better table manners and attitude toward their keepers.