Promo For "Cooking With Cats" by Jeanne Buckhalter

Cheesey music, intro to show, Cooking with Cats, featuring Chief Chef Cat Wrangler, Jeanne!

(note: For some strange reason totally beyond my ken, PBS did not pick up this program. I suspect collusion on the part of the canine industrial complex.)

Pan in on several dozen cats at feeding trough, mike close to cats to hear the growls, yiks and snarls. Pan out and show Jeanne dressed a la 1950 Harriet Homemaker, including cat-embroidered apron, cats’ eye glasses and hair in an old-fashioned bun.

Jeanne: "Hello, and welcome to Cooking with Cats!" Winces as a twenty-five pound cat jumps on her head and gets comfortable on her shoulder while eating a chicken bone, claws extended. "No, no, you naughty boy, eat on the floor like a good little kitten!" Removes cat, growling sounds get louder.

Jeanne: "Today we are going to make a simply scrumptious dish any cat, er... person would love to serve to friends and family. As always, this is a cat friendly dish and easily prepared by any homemaker blessed with anywhere from one to several dozen cats." Winces again as large tabby crawls up her apron and hangs from her right breast. Removes cat, cat pulls apron, dress, hair, and several inches of skin with him.

Jeanne: "For today's dish you'll need those zippy special hand eye coordination exercises we have been reviewing, a can opener, a can of boned chicken or some cooked chicken, a box of stuffing, a can of cream of chicken soup and a casserole dish with a very heavy, tight fitted lid." Smiles at the camera and moans gently as another cat crawls up her back to perch on her shoulder and snarl at the camera.

Jeanne: Takes a deep breath, goes to counter where can opener, canned chicken, stuffing, etc. are ready. "Please remember that you will need to keep the casserole dish turned upside down at all times until you are ready to start preparing this lovely dish!" Takes another deep breath, dislodging several cats from her shoulders, knocks a dozen cats from counter and smiles for camera. "Ready? Let's Cook With Cats!"

Start stopwatch in lower right hand corner, loud ticking. "Quickly open the can of chicken without removing the lid. Go to the feeding station, squirt all the chicken broth into the feeding trough." Show cats jumping down to feeding trough, bouncing off cook's back. "With one hand, turn the casserole dish over and throw the chicken in! Slam the lid back on, and throw the can to the floor." Can never hits floor, is grabbed by cats, snarling loudly. "Open the cream of chicken soup and toss those little monsters, I do mean kitties, the lid. Don't worry about them cutting themselves. You are more likely to be sliced, I mean, kitchen accidents do happen and usually to the cat cook!" Smiles at camera, looking a little desperate as another cat lands on her head. "Open the stuffing, remove the lid, dump it in and immediately shut the lid. It should take you no more than a second to accomplish this if you have been practicing as you should!" Smile again for the camera, hair escaping from bun from top of head. Cat on head glares at camera, eyes glowing red. "Add the soup, a half can of water, and be quick with that lid!" Laughs for camera Camera pans down to show cat with empty soup can on top of its head.

Stopwatch stops, 30 seconds expired. "There, another lovely dish fit for company!"
Pan out, showing cook, clothes in shreds, blood spattered around, hair all over the place. "Be sure to join me next week when Cooking with Cats shows you how to make Poulet avec Champingons et Campbells!

Pan out, showing cat wrangler tossing back a handful of pills and washing them down with some merlot.

Jeanne:Until then, BONE APPETIT!